i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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