So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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