I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
