Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
