First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
