Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
