Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Congratulations! We have a period
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
