you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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