If you die in college, do you die in real life?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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