you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
