Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
