i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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