What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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