Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
