I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
