I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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