I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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