I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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