Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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