In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
