Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
