man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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