Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
