exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
