i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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