Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
