you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
