He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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