So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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