he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
