they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
