my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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