Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
