haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize