there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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