I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
