I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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