You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
