Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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