what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
