the condom got lost in my hair
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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