He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
