I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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