Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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