Ambien. No doubt about it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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