her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
