glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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