shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize