Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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