what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
