My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
