I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
