So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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