guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
