I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
