so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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