So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i will never coherently bang her
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
All I want is dick and wine.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
