Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
