I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
