An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize