At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
