be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
There was a lot of him and a little penis
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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