When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize